NHS Choices: Live well

Is your teenager’s relationship healthy?

One in five boys and one in ten girls believe that abusing girls is OK. Violence can happen in teenage relationships, so make sure you know the signs and can help your child.

Learn more about signs of abuse at Spot teen abuse

Abuse in relationships, including relationships between teenagers, can happen to men and boys, but it is much more likely to happen to women and girls. It also happens in same sex relationships.

Dangers of abuse
Physical and emotional abuse can have long-term effects on your child’s mental and physical health. It can lead to depression, drug and alcohol problems and eating disorders. Sexual abuse also has a risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Physical abuse can include hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, pushing, and pressuring or forcing someone into sexual activity. Emotional and verbal abuse involves a person: 

• saying things that make their partner feel small or stupid,
• pressuring their partner to do things they don’t want to do, including sexual things,
• checking up on their partner all the time to find out where they are and who they’re with, or
• threatening to hurt their partner or someone close to their partner, including pets.

Tink Palmer, a social worker who works with victims of abuse, points out that modern technology can be used for abuse too. “Mobile phones and the internet can be used in a very controlling way,� she says. “A boyfriend can text his girlfriend every 10 minutes when she’s out with her friends, just to distract her and make her aware that he’s always there.�

For help and support call the Parentline Plus helpline on 0808 800 2222

What you can do
Talk to your child about what’s OK and what’s not in a relationship. Some teenagers believe that violence is ‘just the way things are’, or is ‘just messing around’. Your child or their friends might believe this. Make sure they understand that violent or controlling behaviour is not OK, and that no one should put up with it.

Warning signs in your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend
These are signs you can keep an eye out for, and you can also make sure your child knows to look out for them. It’s a sign of controlling or violent behaviour if your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend:

• gets extremely jealous,
• monitors calls and emails, and gets angry if there isn’t an instant response, 
• has trouble controlling his or her emotions, particularly anger, 
• stops your child seeing or talking with friends and family as much as they’d like,
• uses force during an argument,
• blames others for his or her problems or feelings,
• is verbally abusive, or
• shows threatening behaviour towards others.

Some girls might believe that if their boyfriend gets jealous or checks up on them it means he loves them. This is not true. This kind of behaviour is not about love or romance, it’s about control and about your child's boyfriend making your child behave in the way he wants. Some boys might believe that controlling their girlfriend’s behaviour makes them more of a man. Make sure your child knows that using violence does not make someone a man.

Let your child know you will help them
Tell your child that they can always come to you, no matter what. Victims of abuse can feel ashamed, and believe (wrongly) that the abuse is their fault. Make it clear that being abused is never your child's fault, and that you will help them if they come to you.

You can also tell them about helplines, such as Childline (0800 11 11) or the NSPCC (0808 800 5000), which they can call if they don’t feel they can talk to you.

Signs that your child's boyfriend or girlfriend is abusive
“Teenagers can be secretive,� says Palmer. “You need to try to decide whether they're being secretive because they are naturally exerting their independence, or whether they're being secretive because they’re at risk of harm and can’t tell you.�

Signs of abuse can include your child: 

• no longer hanging out with their circle of friends,
• not doing as well at school, or skipping school altogether,
• constantly checking their phone,
• being withdrawn and quieter than usual,
• being angry, and becoming irritable when asked how they are doing,
• making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend,
• having unexplained scratches or bruises, 
• showing changes in mood or personality, or
• using drugs or alcohol.

Some of these can be normal phases of growing up. However, if you’re worried about your child here’s what to do. 

Keep calm. “Try to talk to your child, but don’t confront them,� says Palmer. “Before you talk to them, think through what your concerns are and talk about it confidentially with someone such as your GP or a friend. This will help you to check out your own feelings and thoughts in advance so you won’t be too emotional when you talk to your child.�

Think about when to talk to them. “Don’t do it when they’ve just walked in the door, or when you’ve had a row,� advises Palmer. “Do it when things are calm, so that it’s not linked to another issue such as them coming home late or drunk.�

Find the words. Try saying you'd like to talk. Say you're worried about them and ask if everything's OK. “This shows them that it’s OK to talk, and lets them know you’re emotionally available for them,� says Palmer. “Even if they don’t talk to you at this point, they might go away and think about things, and talk to you later.�

Find out more about spotting the signs of abuse and how you can help at Spot teen abuse.

Is your partner treating you properly?

If you’re in a relationship and you feel unhappy about or frightened by the way your partner treats you, you don’t have to put up with it.

It can be hard to know what’s ‘normal’ in a relationship. It can take time to get to know each other and discover what works for you both. But there is one thing that’s for sure: abusive or violent behaviour is not acceptable, and if it’s happening to you it’s OK to ask for help and advice.

Abuse can happen to anyone of any age, culture or religion. It can happen to boys or girls, but it’s much more likely to happen to girls.

For more information on what abuse is and how to get help, read This is abuse

Tink Palmer, a social worker who works with people who have been abused, says: “No one should have to put up with violence in any form. If it’s happening to you, talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, a trusted adult or a friend. Don’t hold it in, talk to someone.�

What is abuse?
Abuse can involve physical violence such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping or pressuring you into sex. There are other forms of abuse too. Emotional and verbal abuse can involve your boyfriend or girlfriend:

• saying things that make you feel small, whether you’re alone or in front of other people,
• pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do, including sexual things,
• checking up on you all the time to find out where you are and who you’re with, for example texting or calling you a lot if you’re out with your friends, or
• threatening to hurt you or someone close to you, including pets.

As well as happening when you're together, emotional and verbal abuse can happen on the phone or on the internet.

Behaviour like this is not about love. It’s about someone controlling you and making you behave how they want. People who abuse a partner verbally or emotionally may turn to violence later on in the relationship. This kind of controlling behaviour is a big warning sign.

Behaviour like this is not OK, even if some people tell you it is. Violence and abuse in relationships is not normal, it is not ‘just the way things are’ or ‘messing around’. It’s a serious issue.

Being hurt emotionally and physically can harm your self-esteem and make you feel anxious, depressed or ill. Girls who are abused can also develop eating disorders, problems with alcohol and drugs, and be at risk of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy from sexual abuse.

Getting help
If you are in a controlling or abusive relationship and you want help, don’t be scared to talk to someone about it. Remember it’s not your fault, no matter what anyone says, and it is far better to talk about it with someone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been drinking or what you’ve been wearing. There is no excuse.

It can be difficult to find the right words to ask for help. Try asking someone whether you can talk to them about something. Tell them you need some help or that something is happening and you don't know what to do. 

There are several people you might talk to, such as:

• an adult mentor or a favourite teacher at school,
• your mum, dad or another trusted adult, perhaps a friend’s mum,
• an adviser on a helpline such as Childline (0800 11 11),
• a GP or nurse, or
• a friend.

And remember, try again if you don’t get the response that you think you need. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

If you’re worried about a friend
If you think a friend might be experiencing abuse, talk to her (your friend might be male, but it is most often girls who experience abuse). “Keep calm, and don’t be judgmental or condemning,� says Palmer. “It can be difficult to talk to a friend, but try. If you’re concerned, don't worry that you might be wrong, worry that you might be right.�

Try asking your friend if you can talk about something. Tell her you're worried about her and ask her whether everything is OK. Listen to her, and let her know that nobody has to put up with abuse. If she has been hurt, offer to go to the doctor with her. Have the number of a useful helpline, such as Childline on 0800 11 11, ready to give to her.

Your friend might be angry or upset with you for a while, but she will know that you care, and you might have helped her to realise that she can get help.

If you are abusing someone
If you are abusing your partner or you’re worried that you might, you can call Childline (0800 11 11) or talk to a trusted adult.

“Recognising that your behaviour is wrong is the first step to stopping it. But you may need help to stop,� says Palmer.

Sometimes the things that cause abusive behaviour, such as feelings about things that happened in the past, can be very powerful. “We can’t always stop things on our own, or straight away,� says Palmer. “We do need help, which is why it’s important to talk to someone."

Video: how to eat well on a budget

Ashley's story: pregnant first time after IVF

Ashley Stothard, 28, from Leeds, was devastated when doctors told her that she would need fertility treatment to conceive. But her first cycle of IVF treatment on the NHS was successful, and she is now expecting twins.

Facts about PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)

• PCOS affects millions of women in the UK.
• About one in five women in the UK have polycystic ovaries, and approximately one in 10 have PCOS to some degree.
• Symptoms of PCOS include irregular or light periods, problems getting pregnant, weight gain, acne and excessive hair growth.
• Women with PCOS either fail to ovulate or they ovulate infrequently, which is why it is one of the leading causes of fertility problems.

“My husband Jon and I started trying for a baby in 2006 when I was just 25. I knew something was wrong when I still wasn’t pregnant after nine months yet I wasn't having periods either.

“My GP referred me to a hospital consultant at Leeds General Infirmary who did lots of tests on me. It turned out that I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), a gynaecological disorder in which the edge of the ovary is covered in multiple cysts.

“PCOS is quite common, and it’s one of the leading causes of infertility in women. The cysts can interfere with ovulation, so your periods become light and irregular. In my case, I wasn’t ovulating at all, which was why my periods had stopped completely.

“The consultant told me it was unlikely that I’d be able to conceive naturally. He suggested that I have IVF. The waiting list for NHS IVF treatment at the hospital was 18 months. That seemed a long time, but in order to be eligible for treatment I had to lose a little weight to lower my body mass index to below 30 (being overweight reduces the chances of success with IVF).

“I lost the weight that I needed to, and was given the go-ahead for treatment.

"I had the IVF in July 2009. Jon and I were thrilled when the IVF worked first time, and I became pregnant. Two weeks later, we were told that I was having twins. They're due in April 2010.

“I was incredibly pleased with the way I was treated on the NHS. The doctors, nurses and the admin staff were lovely. It was a long wait for treatment, but it was worth it in the end.�

Girls' and boys' Q&As

Puberty can be a confusing time because your body and your feelings are changing as you grow up. Understanding what's happening will help you cope. Here are answers to some of the questions that boys and girls often ask about their bodies.

For boys:

When will I start puberty?
If puberty hasn’t started yet, don’t worry. Most boys begin when they’re around 13 or 14 years old, but some start earlier and some later.

We all grow and change at different rates, and there’s nothing you can do to make it happen sooner or later. Your body will change when it’s ready.

It’s normal to feel confused or worried sometimes. It can help to talk to someone you trust, such as your dad, mum, brother, or a trusted teacher.

What will happen to my body?
There are plenty of signs that puberty has started. Every boy is different, but here are some of the most common changes to look out for:

Getting taller: your body grows, and it may become more muscular.

Bigger penis and balls: your testicles and penis grow, and they may feel itchy or uncomfortable.

Unexpected erections: your body produces more sex hormones, so you might get erections when you least expect them and you're not thinking about anything sexy. At other times, you might think about sex a lot. 

Spots and sweat: hormones can make you sweaty and spotty, but as long as you have good personal hygiene you can still look and feel healthy. Find out about acne.

Sperm: you start producing sperm and you may have wet dreams in which you ejaculate (come) while you're asleep. This is normal.

Hair: areas of your body become more hairy, including your armpits, legs, arms, face, chest and around your penis.

Deeper voice: you might sound croaky for a while, or you might have a high voice one minute and a low voice the next. It will settle down eventually.

On the inside: you may have mood swings and feel emotional, but your feelings will settle down in time.

For girls:

When will I start puberty?
Puberty usually happens between 10 and 14 years old, but every girl is different.

We all grow and change at different rates and there’s nothing you can do to make it happen sooner or later. Your body will change when it’s ready.

Your breasts may grow quickly or slowly. You might have your first period, then not have another one for months. There’s no such thing as ‘normal’, so don’t panic if your experience is different from other girls.

If you feel confused, you’re not the only person. Try talking to someone you trust, such as your mum, dad, sister, friends or a teacher you trust. Find out more about puberty below.

What will happen to my body?
During puberty, it's normal to experience the following changes:

Growing: you’ll get taller, and this might happen quite quickly.

Breasts and hips: your breasts and hips get bigger. You might feel itchy or uncomfortable when this happens. This is normal.

Hair: hair grows under your arms and around your vagina. Some girls develop hair in other parts of their body, such as their top lip. This is normal.

Periods: your periods will start at some point during puberty. You might get period pains before or during your period. 

Vaginal discharge: your vagina may produce discharge (fluid). This is normal. It’s your vagina’s way of keeping clean and healthy. The discharge should be colourless or white, and shouldn’t smell. If it looks green or yellow and smells, see a doctor because you might have an infection, such as thrush (this is common and easily treated).

Spots and sweat: hormones can make you sweaty or spotty, but as long as you have good personal hygiene, you can still look and feel healthy. Find out about acne.

On the inside: you might have mood swings and feel emotional, but your feelings will settle down eventually.

 

 

 

Puberty info for children

Here are some helpful resources that you can look at with your child, or leave them to read in private. The pictures, in particular, can be a good way to get some of the information across to children.

Puberty and body changes

• ChildLine’s website has a page about puberty and answers children’s common questions on the subject.
• The sexual health charity, FPA has a comic called 'Let's grow with Nisha and Joe' which is ideal for children aged six to seven. It uses pictures and activities to help them understand the differences between girls' and boys' bodies, and there's a page which labels parts of the body including 'penis' and 'vagina'. You can read the comic by downloading it before you buy.
• ‘What’s happening to me?’ (girls) and 'What’s happening to me?’ (boys), published by Usborne Children's Books, are two books about puberty that are ideal for children aged nine and above. Recommended by the FPA, the books tackle in a sensitive but no-nonsense style issues such as body changes, buying a first bra, starting periods, wet dreams, how to shave and so on, backed up with lots of colour illustrations and diagrams. The girls' book has a section about boys at the back, and vice versa.

Puberty, sex and relationships

• 4You is a leaflet that explains body changes at puberty, sex and how babies are made, in a down-to-earth way. The pictures and language are quite graphic, so the information is probably best suited to slightly older children of 10 and above. You can read the leaflet by downloading it from the FPA's website but you can't print it out.
• ‘Growing up, sex and relationships’ is a leaflet for disabled children or children with learning difficulties. Produced by the charity Contact a Family, it contains advice about how the body changes at puberty, starting a relationship, sex and contraception. It also covers issues such as peer pressure and bullying, and gives children advice on how to cope. Read the leaflet online, or order a free copy from Contact a Family on 0808 808 3555, textphone 0808 808 3556 or email helpline@cafamily.org.uk There is also an audio recording of the leaflet, which is freely available online.

Starting periods 

• 'Periods - what you need to know' is a leaflet that uses cartoons and speech bubbles to explain periods and how to use tampons and towels. Helpful for older girls who are just about to or have just started their periods. You can read the leaflet online at the FPA's website.
• 'Susan’s Growing Up’ is a picture book about periods specially developed for people with learning disabilities. It’s from the Royal College of Psychiatrists' Books beyond Words series
• The easyhealth website has three leaflets on periods that are clear and well illustrated and ideal for explaining menstruation to anyone with learning difficulties. 'Help! I've started my period', 'What is that in my pants?' and 'What about tampons?' are all free to read online or to print out.
• The Period Book: Everything You Don’t Want to Ask (But Need to Know) by Karen Gravelle, and published by Piatkus, is a well-known book for any girl approaching puberty. Written in a friendly, chatty style it explains what to expect and how to cope with periods, from what it feels like, to how to choose your form of protection and how to talk to your parents about it. Humorous cartoons throughout keep the tone light.

What to eat at puberty

• The Dairy Council’s leaflet ‘Get Healthy Feel Great’ is a fun, colourful guide for teenagers on healthy eating and other health issues.

Puberty info for parents

It might have been a while since you went through puberty, so use these resources if you need a refresher on exactly what happens and when. Some of the information can also give you advice on how to get over your embarrassment and talk openly with your child.

Scroll down to watch a video on how girls' and boys' bodies change at puberty, periods, wet dreams and masturbation

Tips on talking to your child

You will find useful information and advice by reading the articles on this site called 'How to talk to your child about sex', 'Talking to your teenager about sex' and 'Why talk to your children about sex'.

Or you could consider the following sources of information on various aspects of preparing your children for puberty:

• The free government leaflet 'Talking to your teenager about sex and relationships' is available nationwide through pharmacies. It gives parents tips on when and how to start tricky conversations with their kids and provides technical information on different forms of contraception.
• The BBC 'bare facts’ website has 10 short but sweet videos presented by sex and relationships therapist, Maria Schopman. The films tackle each of the main concerns parents have about talking to their kids about sex, including advice on what age your children should be when you talk to them, how to get over the cringe factor, discussing homosexuality, and the importance of sharing your own values and beliefs with your kids. There’s also information on what they’ll learn at school and some background information about sexually transmitted infections and reproduction (so you’re sure of the facts before you chat to them!), and a couple of videos giving the child’s point of view.
• The FPA has helpful information for parents. Its book ‘Speakeasy: talking with your children about growing up’ spells out exactly how to sit down and talk to your children about puberty, sex and relationships in an age-appropriate way. The book is easy to read and suitable for parents with children of any age. The FPA’s leaflet ‘Talking to your child about sex and relationships’ does exactly what it says on the tin. It also tells you what children are taught in school. Find out more about these publications from the FPA website (there is a charge for both), or check if your local library stocks them or can order them for you.

What to expect

• ‘Surviving Adolescence - a toolkit for parents’ is a leaflet that gives parents clear information on what to expect when their children hit adolescence, including why they’re likely to become sulky, suddenly start dieting, have crushes on friends, and crave excitement. The leaflet, which is produced by the Royal College of Psychiatrists, has practical advice for parents and also points out the positive aspects of having kids this age, like how satisfying it can be to see your children grow through adolescense into young adults.
• The Speakeasy course, run by the FPA, aims to help parents understand the physical and emotional changes that children go through at puberty. It also teaches parents how to get over their embarrassment and awkwardness in talking to their children about sex and relationships. The course involves sessions over an eight-week period at venues all over the country. It's generally free for parents and carers. For more information on the Speakeasy course, and/or to book a place, contact David Kesterton, Project Manager Speakeasy on 020 7608 5271, email davidk@fpa.org.uk

Children with learning disabilities

• The National Autistic Society has a useful leaflet for parents of children with autistic spectrum disorder.  It gives down to earth guidance on how to discuss tricky topics such as puberty, sex, relationships, personal hygiene and so on with your autistic child. Read ‘Sex education and children and young people with an ASD’ online and print it out for free.
• Contact a Family’s booklet ‘Growing up, sex and relationships’ is for parents of disabled children or children with learning disabilities and gives advice on what to expect as your child matures, and what support is available to them when they start to form intimate relationships. Read the leaflet online at Contact a Family’s website, or order a free copy from Contact a Family on 0808 808 3555, textphone 0808 808 3556 or email helpline@cafamily.org.uk. There is also an audio recording of the booklet, which you can listen to free online.

Starting periods

Most girls start their periods when they’re about 12, but they can start as early as age 8, so it’s important to talk to girls from an early age to make sure they’re prepared before the big day.

Scroll down to watch an animated video about the menstrual cycle

Many parents feel awkward talking about periods, especially with pre-teen girls who can seem to get embarrassed so easily.

One way round this is to respond to questions or opportunities as they arise. David Kesterton, who organises the FPA’s Speakeasy courses - which teach parents how to talk to their children about puberty, sex and relationships - says clear speaking and down-to-earth, age-appropriate language is key.

“Parents often ask me when is the right age to talk to girls about starting periods, and I recommend that it should be an ongoing process rather than a formal sit-down talk. You can use TV ads for tampons, or buying sanitary towels at the supermarket, for example, to start the conversation with girls about periods. Or simply ask your daughter what she already knows and go from there.

“Whenever possible use clear language, like vagina, even though you may feel uncomfortable using these words.

"Emphasise that periods are completely normal and natural, they're part of growing up and that all women have them.

“And don’t forget boys. They, too, need to learn about periods. Talk to them in the same way as girls about the practicalities, mood changes that can come with periods, and the biological reason behind periods, and it will keep them informed as well as help them to understand what girls go through each month.�

The questions girls ask

Here are some of the questions you, as a parent, might get asked by girls about periods with suggestions on how to answer them:

How will I know when my periods are soon going to start?
Signs that your period is on its way are if you’ve grown underarm and pubic hair. Typically, you’ll start your periods about two years after your breasts start growing and about a year after getting a white, vaginal discharge. The average girl will get her first period around 12 years old, but it varies from person to person.

How do I get ready for my first period?
Talk to your mum or another adult you trust about what you can expect before it actually happens. It’s a good idea to start carrying sanitary towels or tampons around with you in advance so that when your period finally arrives you aren’t scrambling to find some. If you find yourself at school without a pad or tampon, talk to a female teacher or the school nurse. They’re used to being asked and they’ll want to help you out.

How long will my first period last?
When your first period arrives it might not last very long as it can take your body some months to get into a regular pattern. As a general rule, once they’re settled, you’ll have a period every 28 to 30 days and it will last between three and seven days.

How much blood will I lose?
It might seem a lot, but it’s only about 3-5 tablespoons. It’s not a sudden gush, you’ll just see a reddish-brown stain on your pants or on your sheets when you wake up in the morning.

What if period blood leaks through my clothes?
Part of becoming a woman is dealing with embarrassing mishaps. There are ways of covering up stains until you’re able to change your clothes, such as tying a sweatshirt around your waist. Keep a spare pair of pants and tights at school or in your bag, and avoid wearing light-coloured trousers and skirts during a period, just in case.

Should I use towels or tampons?
This is really up to you. Both tampons and towels/pads are safe and suitable for girls who have just started their periods. You’ll probably want to use pads for your very first period, though, as tampons can take a bit more getting used to. It might be worth experimenting until you find the product that suits you best.